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Since I've lost her, I have been broken

Since the day that my mom passed away I try not to talk about cancer or her diagnoses. Its difficult to remember that this terrible disease took my mothers life away. I've also had a lot of anger towards this disease and it makes me sick to even hear about it . Tonight for the first time since she has passed I looked up her diagnoses and once again and it was heart breaking. It makes my stomach hurt to think about the pain she had to endure in those very short 6 months that I had left with her. I blame myself for so many things, I wish I would have done more for her. Life is full of regrets and I don't want to live my life with any regrets ever again. My heart aches and I'm constantly reminded that I have to live everyday without her. Oh my I miss her so much, words can't describe how broken I am. Ever since the day that she passed I have had so many nightmares, about the worst things that I would never want to dream about, snakes, monsters, ghost so many frightening things. All I wanted was her, I wanted her by our sides alive and well. Today I laid in bed thinking about how much faith I had in God, I asked Him to keep her safe and to watch over her. Little did I know how powerful my prayer was. But I know He is watching over her, while my prayer was to ask for her to be with us here today and doing better He knew there was a much better place for her in His kingdom. So today I leave my mom in the best hands possible, His hands, who better to keep her company.

God, I haven't lost faith in you and I know you do everything for a reason. Although right now I can't understand Your reason I know its a great reason. Please continue to guide us through this journey.

All the time

I think about you all the time. There is not a moment or second that I'm not thinking about you. I think about what type of mom you were and I think about the last couple of months alot but most of all I think about before these couple of months, how energetic and determine you were about everything. Words can't explain the type of pain I feel. Some days I'm ok I feel numb, most of the time and some days my heart aches so much. I miss her more and more each day and my pain is more realistic each day. I think about our last conversation ALL the time word for word.