As the days go by

I can't believe that 2 months have gone by so fast and yet the pain is the same. I had to watch my mom be taken away by this horrible disease that in the end she didn't even look like the person I knew, she had lost so much weight and you could feel her bones. She was so depressed and I missed her laugh. Before all of this she was always on the go, she was very active and had a great sense of humor which she kept to the very end. She made us laugh so hard she was so silly, I miss her. 

A year ago today I remember going to buy her a valentines gift and card with my son, it hurts to think that a year ago she was fine. She was so thoughtful even when she was sick she would worry about us more than herself, she would ask us if we ate, how we felt. She would even tell us to go home and get some rest. I honestly never thought she would pass away, she was such a strong person that I thought I would see her get through all of this. I became angry when she let the disease take over her, I would tell her "Why?. Your whole life you have fought so hard for everything and when it comes to your life your willing to let it all go" she had moments when she would tell us that that she didn't want to live any longer that she wanted to go to heaven with my grandmother, and I would tell her, "mom, no your going to be ok" she would stay quiet and give me a blank stare. 

On her birthday I gave her our last gift, a porcelain cross, she held it in her hand tightly. I learned after she passed that she knew it from the beginning that she wouldn't make it through, she told one of her friends in confidence but asked her not to tell us because she didn't want us to worry. Really mom, why would you not want us to worry? We wanted to be there with you for everything and we wanted to be included in your every thought. Why would you not want us to be there for you? 

I have so many memories, if I would have known the outcome I would have quit my job and had not left the hospital for a second, I wouldn't cared if my house was in foreclosure or my car was reposed just as long as I knew I had made every minute count. Now I regret not taking every opportunity to be next to her. My heart aches and as the days go by I feel worse because I could have done so much more.