Its been a long time

I haven't blogged in so long, so much has been on my mind.

I think about my mom ALL the time. I feel so guilty, I keep thinking maybe there was something I could have done to prevent her from passing away. I should have taken her to get more opinions, I should have paid more attention to everything I should have quit my job I should have made sure I knew everything. I should have tried so much harder. I feel like there was so much I could have done differently. I analysis every situation over and over and think of a "better way".  I feel like I let her down.

In January I was driving to a pediatrician appointment for Jacob, when we hit our first red light I slowly stopped and started talking to my mom, When my light turned green I took my foot off the brake and something told me to stop and look to my left. For some strange reason I stopped the car almost in the middle of the street and looked to my left, all of a sudden a car on my left intersection was coming straight towards me their light was red she almost accidentally hit my car head on while she passed a red light, my heart dropped as I watched the lady slam on her brakes and tell me from her window how sorry she was, I was in complete shock, if I would have continued and ignored everything she would have hit me and my 15 month old. When my mom passed away I felt like I had no life inside me anymore I felt numb and I mention a couple of times how I didn't want to live anymore. But this day all I could think of was what if something had happen to my child or myself, I couldn't picture leaving my older son and family or losing my baby. Thank, God and my mom that I was given a chance to open my eyes and value what I have. I think in this life we take a lot of people for granted, I remember my mom calling me after work before we knew she was sick she would ask me if I was coming over and I would tell her not tonight I'm so tired mom, I wish I could take it back I wish I could have came over to her house every opportunity I had. I would have never thought I would lose my mom when she was only 62 years old she was such a strong person and she had a great heart, she was so considerate and was always thinking of how she could help people. I think about the last real conversation I had with her, to this day I haven't shared with my sisters what she said. I hold her dear to my heart, I had always prayed for her every night long before we knew she was sick I would ask, Lord please keep her safe,  and he granted me my request so Thank You Lord for keeping my mom in the best hands possible. Please continue to guide us because I know all things are possible with You and send my mom a huge kiss for me.