In God's Hands

When my mother was in the hospital I spoke to God alot, as I do now.
I asked him to guide us and I placed everything in his hands. I had (and still have) all my faith in Him. I knew that only in His mighty hands everything would be ok. Although my mom is not here today, I know that she was being guided by the best hands ever and I know that He is still here by my side. Everyday when I feel as if my life is falling apart I feel His warmth and hear His promise that everything will be ok. I've learned that I haven't loss my mom I still have her she is with me everyday and although I'm not able to see her I KNOW she is with me. When I start thinking about everything I'm reminded of things that I forgot and I remember her face. It hurts so bad. She is my mother she is irreplaceable, how will I ever be able to overcome such a loss. I think of her everyday all day, there is not a moment in my life where she is not on my mind.

I remember years ago when a couple of my co-workers and myself were having lunch and my co-worker started talking about when her mom passed away. I got goose bumps and my eyes became teary, I had to get up from the table and walk away. I never could have imagine losing her, she means the world to me. I hated that type of conversation because I never wanted to think of the day when I would no longer be able to see her.

Just like today, I feel angry that she's gone and I don't know who to be angry at. Myself? Because maybe I could have done something to prevent all of this.... I feel drained from going over every scenario in my mind over and over again. I feel helpless, because no matter what I do I will never be able to go back in time. I asked and I asked and asked and I thank you Father because I know that in your hands she is safe.

I love you a lot

I wrote this as I sat in the hospital room one night while I watched my mom sleep, little did I know that she would pass just a few days later. Wrote 12/8 Published 12/27

Mom,

I want you to know that we love you with all our hearts and I'm going to make sure that before you go you know how much we love you and how much you mean to us. I want you here with us more than anything and I want you to be healthy and happy, but if your suffering I understand because most of all I don't want you to suffer. I want to remember your smile, laugh, touch of your skin, gorgeous blond hair and perfume smell. I want to remember the great things about you.

I still remember

I took the entire day off and I kept my mom company at the hospital. It was so refreshing to spend the entire day with her. We watched tv and talked. I remember the entire day. I felt blessed to be able to spend quality time with her. In my eyes she was well, I had faith that everything would be ok and years from now we would be able to look back on all of this. Even though she is not here I still have faith in God, I know I may not be able to understand His reason but I know she is at peace. I just wish I would have asked her more profound questions but I was afraid and I didn't want to think of losing her. I haven't loss her I still have her she is with me everyday and once in a while she pops into my dreams and blesses me with her presence. Oh how I miss her so much! Many people who I speak to tell me how great of a person my mom was and I'm truly honored to have had a great mom. You know what the good thing about it is? Their not just saying it because she passed away, she was TRULY a great person. She did things for others unselfishly, she did it out of her great big heart and never expected anything in return. My friends remind me of how great she was also, when I was younger our house was the "go to house" she would cook for us and make everyone feel at home, she helped people who were in need of a hand. I'm truly blessed to have had a mom who thought of everyone. I hope that I can live up to how great she was. This all happen so fast and oh way too soon. As each day goes by I'm reminded how painful this is and that time doesn't make a difference, it gets worse. And as each day goes by I yawn for her even more. How I wish this was a nightmare and I could wake up and hug her. I want to go back to the very beginning of this journey and treasure every moment.

I wanted her

I didn't want the I'm sorry, flowers and gifts. Although I truly appreciate them. But I just wanted her, I wanted her healthy, smiling and laughing with us. I wanted to enjoy her conversations, I wanted to feel the warmth of her skin and hear her supporting "everything is going to be okay" voice. I wanted her so much and I still do.

I miss you mom, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you.

I went shopping

Yup, I had to do something to get over the sadness and anger.... NOT THAT IT HELPED.
So I did what I knew best and I spent money. Bummer because it did nothing but made my house a bigger wreck, now I look at all the shopping bags and I dread putting them away. I miss her like crazy.....

Sad Update

I loss my Mother early Sunday morning. My heart is breaking and I have no words to describe how painful this has been. I wish she was still here so that I could tell her once again how much she means to me, so that I could hear her voice or feel her soft skin. Nights are so much harder than days, last night I kept waking up and I had so much anxiety that I couldn't sit still. It was only yesterday that she left us and it feels like a life time, I miss her so so much already.

I love you mom and I'll never leave you - yours always Carina

Be joyful in hope, patient in affection, faithful in prayer.
                                                                 Romans 12:12

She taught me how great He is!

I remember when I was a little girl I would fall asleep listening to my mom reading me the bible, it was my favorite thing every night. She taught me how great He is, she taught me to have faith in Him! I remember every time I would ask her if we could go somewhere or do something she would reply by saying "God willing". My mom lived her life honoring Him, she taught us everything was possible with God. I am thankful she taught me how great His love is!

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.

Psalm 23

The Holidays

This year I'm not in the mood to celebrate anything. When people ask me what my plans for Christmas are, I want to say I'll be in bed all day in a fetus position crying my eyes out. Too bad I actually can't do that because I have to make the best of it for my kids, its the middle of the month and I've got as far as decorating my front door. Who knows if our Christmas tree will make an appearance this year or any year to follow.

The sweetest Son ever : )

I was talking to Joseph about Christmas and what he wanted. Even though I have no desire to celebrate when I feel like the most precious gift is being taken away from me, I have to make the best of it for my kids. My sweet sweet son replied by saying " I'm going to write a letter to santa clause asking him to tell God to let my grandma live". Sigh. I have the best child ever, his so sweet, so compassionate and caring. He took my breath away and I immediately started crying. This is from the same child who earlier this year told me he didn't want a Christmas because his gotten many and he thinks other kids should get to enjoy it this year and the same little boy who asked for a real reindeer last Christmas, he makes my heart smile : ) So so thankful for him.

11/29

Today was supposed to be a day filled with great news, today my mom turned 62 years old. We were suppose to walk into the hospital and get to bring her home and continue on our journey to recovery. Today we were told she only had 6 months to live.... I know I need more than 6 months to spend with my mom, I know I want my kids to remember the great women she is and grow up with her. Is that selfish of me? I don't want her to suffer but I want her to live, I want to see her smile. Part of me makes me believe that my grandmother is calling for her and she needs her. I know my God is good and whatever He picks is for His glory but I wish I could take it all back and just have her better again. This has taught me to love people more, to appreciate them more and to not take anything for granted.

I'm praying with all of my heart, God if you hear me I'm gamed for a miracle.

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

I love you mom, Happy Birthday. I’m glad you’re with us today.

Answers

Life isn't always fair... we've all heard this expression millions of times, but why isn't it? Shouldn't it be that if you play by the rules you get a fair chance?

Four months ago we endured one of the most difficult things I've ever experience in my life. We were told my mom was battling cancer. I made a promise right there and then that no matter what it took for her to be back to normal I would take those steps and as we thought we were getting answers and getting closer to resolving these things we are back to square one. After a major surgery and going through the process of "healing" we thought she was on her way to recovery.

Last night was a terrible night for me, on my 24th birthday I spent the entire day worried and depressed. I wanted nothing more than to leave my job and sit at the hospital all day with her. It breaks my heart that she spends nights alone. Although my faith in God will never change, because I know He will always be by our sides. I just can't help to understand why this to a women who lived her life helping others, a women who would take her shirt off her own back to give to a stranger, a women who instills so much great values in her children.....

As I drove home last night my mind was literally blank and my heart was broken. I got home to my 6 year old who ran to me to give me a hug and I quickly realize how much people take life for granted. He handed me a small piece of a card stock from The Game of Life and as I took it from his small hands it made me want to break down and cry. I yarn for a sense of "normalcy" in our lives and I pray that she recovers.