Its been a long time

I haven't blogged in so long, so much has been on my mind.

I think about my mom ALL the time. I feel so guilty, I keep thinking maybe there was something I could have done to prevent her from passing away. I should have taken her to get more opinions, I should have paid more attention to everything I should have quit my job I should have made sure I knew everything. I should have tried so much harder. I feel like there was so much I could have done differently. I analysis every situation over and over and think of a "better way".  I feel like I let her down.

In January I was driving to a pediatrician appointment for Jacob, when we hit our first red light I slowly stopped and started talking to my mom, When my light turned green I took my foot off the brake and something told me to stop and look to my left. For some strange reason I stopped the car almost in the middle of the street and looked to my left, all of a sudden a car on my left intersection was coming straight towards me their light was red she almost accidentally hit my car head on while she passed a red light, my heart dropped as I watched the lady slam on her brakes and tell me from her window how sorry she was, I was in complete shock, if I would have continued and ignored everything she would have hit me and my 15 month old. When my mom passed away I felt like I had no life inside me anymore I felt numb and I mention a couple of times how I didn't want to live anymore. But this day all I could think of was what if something had happen to my child or myself, I couldn't picture leaving my older son and family or losing my baby. Thank, God and my mom that I was given a chance to open my eyes and value what I have. I think in this life we take a lot of people for granted, I remember my mom calling me after work before we knew she was sick she would ask me if I was coming over and I would tell her not tonight I'm so tired mom, I wish I could take it back I wish I could have came over to her house every opportunity I had. I would have never thought I would lose my mom when she was only 62 years old she was such a strong person and she had a great heart, she was so considerate and was always thinking of how she could help people. I think about the last real conversation I had with her, to this day I haven't shared with my sisters what she said. I hold her dear to my heart, I had always prayed for her every night long before we knew she was sick I would ask, Lord please keep her safe,  and he granted me my request so Thank You Lord for keeping my mom in the best hands possible. Please continue to guide us because I know all things are possible with You and send my mom a huge kiss for me.

As the days go by

I can't believe that 2 months have gone by so fast and yet the pain is the same. I had to watch my mom be taken away by this horrible disease that in the end she didn't even look like the person I knew, she had lost so much weight and you could feel her bones. She was so depressed and I missed her laugh. Before all of this she was always on the go, she was very active and had a great sense of humor which she kept to the very end. She made us laugh so hard she was so silly, I miss her. 

A year ago today I remember going to buy her a valentines gift and card with my son, it hurts to think that a year ago she was fine. She was so thoughtful even when she was sick she would worry about us more than herself, she would ask us if we ate, how we felt. She would even tell us to go home and get some rest. I honestly never thought she would pass away, she was such a strong person that I thought I would see her get through all of this. I became angry when she let the disease take over her, I would tell her "Why?. Your whole life you have fought so hard for everything and when it comes to your life your willing to let it all go" she had moments when she would tell us that that she didn't want to live any longer that she wanted to go to heaven with my grandmother, and I would tell her, "mom, no your going to be ok" she would stay quiet and give me a blank stare. 

On her birthday I gave her our last gift, a porcelain cross, she held it in her hand tightly. I learned after she passed that she knew it from the beginning that she wouldn't make it through, she told one of her friends in confidence but asked her not to tell us because she didn't want us to worry. Really mom, why would you not want us to worry? We wanted to be there with you for everything and we wanted to be included in your every thought. Why would you not want us to be there for you? 

I have so many memories, if I would have known the outcome I would have quit my job and had not left the hospital for a second, I wouldn't cared if my house was in foreclosure or my car was reposed just as long as I knew I had made every minute count. Now I regret not taking every opportunity to be next to her. My heart aches and as the days go by I feel worse because I could have done so much more. 

Lately

My heart has been aching, I have no words. I can't believe she is no longer here with us. I think back on those last 6 months and my heart aches. I miss her so much.

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Since I've lost her, I have been broken

Since the day that my mom passed away I try not to talk about cancer or her diagnoses. Its difficult to remember that this terrible disease took my mothers life away. I've also had a lot of anger towards this disease and it makes me sick to even hear about it . Tonight for the first time since she has passed I looked up her diagnoses and once again and it was heart breaking. It makes my stomach hurt to think about the pain she had to endure in those very short 6 months that I had left with her. I blame myself for so many things, I wish I would have done more for her. Life is full of regrets and I don't want to live my life with any regrets ever again. My heart aches and I'm constantly reminded that I have to live everyday without her. Oh my I miss her so much, words can't describe how broken I am. Ever since the day that she passed I have had so many nightmares, about the worst things that I would never want to dream about, snakes, monsters, ghost so many frightening things. All I wanted was her, I wanted her by our sides alive and well. Today I laid in bed thinking about how much faith I had in God, I asked Him to keep her safe and to watch over her. Little did I know how powerful my prayer was. But I know He is watching over her, while my prayer was to ask for her to be with us here today and doing better He knew there was a much better place for her in His kingdom. So today I leave my mom in the best hands possible, His hands, who better to keep her company.

God, I haven't lost faith in you and I know you do everything for a reason. Although right now I can't understand Your reason I know its a great reason. Please continue to guide us through this journey.

All the time

I think about you all the time. There is not a moment or second that I'm not thinking about you. I think about what type of mom you were and I think about the last couple of months alot but most of all I think about before these couple of months, how energetic and determine you were about everything. Words can't explain the type of pain I feel. Some days I'm ok I feel numb, most of the time and some days my heart aches so much. I miss her more and more each day and my pain is more realistic each day. I think about our last conversation ALL the time word for word.

In God's Hands

When my mother was in the hospital I spoke to God alot, as I do now.
I asked him to guide us and I placed everything in his hands. I had (and still have) all my faith in Him. I knew that only in His mighty hands everything would be ok. Although my mom is not here today, I know that she was being guided by the best hands ever and I know that He is still here by my side. Everyday when I feel as if my life is falling apart I feel His warmth and hear His promise that everything will be ok. I've learned that I haven't loss my mom I still have her she is with me everyday and although I'm not able to see her I KNOW she is with me. When I start thinking about everything I'm reminded of things that I forgot and I remember her face. It hurts so bad. She is my mother she is irreplaceable, how will I ever be able to overcome such a loss. I think of her everyday all day, there is not a moment in my life where she is not on my mind.

I remember years ago when a couple of my co-workers and myself were having lunch and my co-worker started talking about when her mom passed away. I got goose bumps and my eyes became teary, I had to get up from the table and walk away. I never could have imagine losing her, she means the world to me. I hated that type of conversation because I never wanted to think of the day when I would no longer be able to see her.

Just like today, I feel angry that she's gone and I don't know who to be angry at. Myself? Because maybe I could have done something to prevent all of this.... I feel drained from going over every scenario in my mind over and over again. I feel helpless, because no matter what I do I will never be able to go back in time. I asked and I asked and asked and I thank you Father because I know that in your hands she is safe.